Well..it's been a little over a month since you abruptly left and I can't say it's gotten any easier for any of us. I have to say, I have probably cried every day at least once since you moved out. Your last words were "for the record, that's my x-box". I'm not sure if what you said hurts more than knowing what you are doing to your body. After all, we made that body and for a long time, you kept it pure and chemical free just how we prefer it.
Everything seems to remind me of you. Tonight, I passed by a display of your favorite chips, blazin' buffalo ranch Doritos for $1.99 and I had to talk myself out of buying them. I don't eat them, nor do I need the calories but I felt like Jim Carrey in the movie "Liar Liar". The scene where he is trying not to write the truth and he's battling with the pen. Only I had my hand on the doritos and I am telling myself, "he's not here, Jena...therefore he CAN'T eat them."
I think to myself, "what could I have done differently?" I know I am not perfect and I am sure I've had a number of mistakes under my belt but mostly I think I did the very best I could. I stayed home for almost your whole 18 yrs, running a daycare for 8 of those years out of the house just so I could be available to you and your sister. I sacrificed new clothes for thrift store finds most of the time so we could afford comp soccer with hopes you would play college ball someday. Most of all, I loved you (and still do) with every ounce of my being and I will spend the rest of my life worrying about you and hoping you will be the best person you can be. It's what mom's do!
I had a hard time too, packing your bag of necessities for you to pick up in the morning. The referee jersey and accessories was the easy part. The rest of the items hit me. You asked for socks and underwear and I opened the drawer....your favorite boxers were right there. I packed them first. Just like you were still here and even though I am mad at you and my feelings are hurt, I thought to myself "he really loves these", while picturing a smile on your face when you unpacked them. I said that to a friend via text and she replied with "aww, that's nice you want his peepee to be comfy?" which made me LOL! Her intention to put a smile on my face during an all-time low in my mood. Thank you Lisa Varni~you are my bfff!
My dad came for a visit tonight and took us out to dinner, without you. I shouldn't feel guilty but I do having a good time without you. You chose to leave and I feel guilty, what? I told my dad tonight that I didn't think our rules were that unreasonable...most of our rules for you and Bailee are for YOUR safety and well being. Don't drink and drive, no drugs in this house or your car, be home before 12:30 am because as it gets closer to "last call" at the bars, the greater the risk of being hit by a drunk driver, be respectful, get a job, get good grades, don't sleep all day and help out around the house. Seems easy enough to me but I guess rules are so unbearable that you'd rather sleep in a hot car or couch surf?
I'm totally babbling..it's not my best post by any means but it's how I feel right now and getting it out seems to help. I'll wrap this up by saying I want you to come on homeboy, but only if you are ready and willing to follow the rules of this household. No more lies, no more excuses, be the kid I know you can be, make us proud.
- Thanks for stopping by! I have tried to create an "about me" several times...hard to talk about myself here but easy in a blog post? I know, I am totally quirky. I even thought after typing, deleting, typing again and then deleting, "do they really care to hear that I am a 39 yr old wife, mother of 2, hairsylist, scrapbooker, writer (obviously), roller blader, walker, furniture repurposer and so on and so forth?" I do (as I said in my title) wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I am PAINFULLY HONEST. Can be a good trait and can be bad at times. Just ask my mom. I guess a good way to describe that would be a straight shooter? I love taking pictures, meditation and yoga fascinate me. What kind of music do I like? ALL MUSIC! That's really all I have for now. Thanks again for taking the time out of your most likely very busy day or night and reading my blog. I would love to hear your feedback, good or bad. I promise if it's constructive criticism, I will put my big girl panties on :O)