How did we get here?

I am not sure how this happened but here we are again kiddo, unfortunately, at odds and getting ready to say goodbye. Only this time, it's for good. We move in with family and you are going to find alternative housing. Just the other day it hit me that I actually kicked you out, that's it for us, no longer a family of four, put a fork in us, were done. I asked myself, "how did we get here?" How did I go from a paranoid mother to one that kicks her son out on the street? When did the worry about you falling after just learning how to walk, the trips that felt so annoying to the store cuz I had to strap you in and out of the car seat, the fun trips away for soccer, the family dinners together stop and  become replaced with arguments about what you are doing to yourself and how the choices you are making affect the family become normal conversation? I think this is what hurts the most.

I remember when I was pregnant with you driving by a huge house in the country with an iron gate and telling your Dad that I wanted to live behind a safe gate like that. He thought it was ridiculous of course, and as usual I was labeled paranoid and we argued, him saying that you can't live your life in fear and me making my point that nothing will EVER be too safe for my future children! I still feel that way and I  worry that 11 days from now you will be on the street and you act like you have not a care in the world about it.

Life used to be really good. So good in fact,  that I felt guilty all the time and sad for the people that weren't as happy as we were. I look back at pictures and can see it in our smiles and I remember how I felt. The times that weren't so great, I can see in pictures too. Those pictures are very hard to look at or scrapbook. I think I have skipped some just because they made me so sad to look at them.

There are days that I think to myself, what a wonderful world...no sorry..whenever I say or type something that sounds like lyrics to a song, I can't help but finish the sentence with the rest of that song. I also can't create a blog post without trying to make someone laugh. Anyway, once we get past all of this conflict and arguing with you, there's no doubt in my mind that we can like each other again. I believe that someday in the future we will again be the picture of a family to be jealous of. At least, that's what I wish for the most.